Thursday, March 5, 2009

Paperwork

When I was a little kid my mom bought me a set of hamsters. One was white and one was black and I named them Salt and Pepper. Salt was an adult and Pepper was her baby. The second day we had them, I looked into the cage and made a gruesome discovery. Salt had EATEN pepper. It wasn't like pepper was just missing or dead... he had been eaten by his own mother. I won't go into great detail about the crime scene, as it still makes me shudder.

Why am I telling this story on my blog? Its very simple: Today I want to eat my child. Perhaps Salt wasn't the psychopathic cannibal that I have thought she was all of these years. Perhaps she was just a mom who had put her kid in so many time-outs that she didn't know what else to do to get her message across and she just snapped. Maybe Salt cleaned up the same mess so many times in the same day that she just couldn't hold onto her little hamster sanity.

Don't worry. Don't call CPS. My kids are not in mortal danger, I'm just having one of those days.

I went on a walk with both the boys this morning. Before we even got four houses away Jack had a total temper tantrum. I just turned the stroller around and started waking in the direction of home. "How sad. I was really looking forward to a walk, but I guess we need to go home. What a bummer." Jack was outraged. The emotional breakdown escalated. We got home and he was sent into his room. After a while he started shouting out at regular intervals. "Can I come out now?" At first I answered him each time. "NO." Finally I stopped responding. After a while he tried a new tactic. "Mom, I need your help really bad."

"What?"

"How do you spell 'let me out, please'?"

After a few minutes he was shouting for me again. "Mom, come to the door and look down!"

Here was his note:
It looks like a foreign language at first glance but then you realize that the letters are just backwards and all squished together and he used a P instead of an L in the word let so it says "Pet me out please". John and I had a good laugh about it, but we still didn't let him out.

A while later I went to have a chat with him, to see how the lesson learning was coming along. "Can I come out yet?"

"No, Jack, I'm here to talk to you about it."

"But didn't you get my paperwork?"

PAPERWORK? He thought that he could get out of time out if he submitted the right paperwork? Maybe he has a future in government. Maybe Pepper the Hamster should have better mastered the bureaucracy of being a kid. It certainly worked for Jack today.

11 comments:

Sami said...

Staci, that is hilarious! The stories you put on your blog about Jack crack me up!

Brenda said...

You are so gross, but I REALLY love you!

Stephanie said...

What a character! He's a smart little cuss isn't he? Paperwork... do you guys talk about paperwork?

Brittney said...

LOL!!! that is so cute he submitted paperwork to get out of timeout! great story. missed you at bunko tonight!

Lisa said...

I can imagine this is one of the hardest parts of motherhood - holding back the roaring laughter when you are trying to do some serious disciplining.

P.S. You are a brilliant writer.

Scrap Happy said...

One bite at a time, one bite at a time...

Diane lost in books said...

i just loove the way you write, you're so funny!!!but i am still sad for the baby hamster....

Auntie Ellen said...

Your son may just be my favorite kid.

teamscow said...

The things kids come up with...That is so cute and funny though.

Carey said...

Hello... Love and Logic? What a great story! As always... you make me smile. Happy day...

Alexandria said...

That cracks me up! He would for sure fit in at a Government job...in fact I think we have an opening in my department. :)

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