John as not been picking up any extra-duty work at the department so he has been home a lot more than we are all used to. He has been on a tear of getting stuff done around the house so I'm secretly hoping his fever lingers a while longer. He has turned into Laundry Man, which is a side I have never witnessed and that incidentally turns out to be very sexy. I also liked last week's super hero alter ego which was Carpet Shampooing Man. He has also discovered a humble little tool out of my scrap booking box that has sealed the super-hero thing up for the boys. Wielding a glue gun he is Toy Fixing Man. I am personally curious to see if the illusive Yard Maintenance Man will make any appearances.
Abe hasn't been sleeping well lately. He's in the very predictable ditch-the-nap phase of toddlerhood. He has been drinking chocolate milk before naps and bedtime lately and I just realized that maybe it has caffeine in it. So I looked at the box and in bold print it says right across the top "CAFFEINE FREE!". Oh good, I haven't been caffienating my three year old. I'm not a dumbass after all. Then I looked closer and saw the tiny type above the caffiene free claim. 99 percent. So an entire percent of this kids drink is pure caffiene, yet they feel justified putting Caffiene Free! in huge letters all over the box as long as each one is preceded by a teeny tiny 99%. Yes this reminds me of last year's otter pop debacle wherein they print on the box "One Hundred Percent Pure Fruit Juice" followed by "and other ingredients" Which other ingredients happened to total three percent upon a closer look. I don't know why I'm complaining about this. I need to let it go.
But while we are on the subject of really annoying things, lets talk about when you call a business and they put you into a computer queue and tell you over and over how important your call is. Not important enough to actually answer, but still very important. Or worse, when you just have to call the doctors office but before you can even hear the options you have to get a lecture about how if you are calling with a life threatening emergency you really shouldn't be calling but instead you should hang up and dial 911. Usually by this point I am saying into the phone NO SHIT, SHERLOCK, WHAT DO I PRESS TO GET TO A PERSON? (don't judge me, I know you've all done the same thing) Then I get to hear the long winded lecture again... en espanol. I probably shouldn't get so irritated by the ever encroaching mexican culture, but if you don't speak enough english to navigate the dentist's answering machine maybe its time to think long and hard about which country you really want to be living in. If you don't have any interest in learning a country's language, that country is probably not for you.
Speaking of our immigrant friends, I had an unexpected knock at my door that turned out to be the mailman with a letter I needed to sign for. We have had the same mailman for four years and he's great. I bake him cookies for holidays and we shoot the breeze when we get the chance. He has been sporting a big Steelers coat for the past month so when I saw him through my peephole I was ready to offer condolences on his team loosing. Instead of Robert, there was a new guy. A mexican who didn't speak even a word of english besides "sign?" Believe me I tried. I launched into a big explanation about how Robert loves the Steelers and they lost and blah blah, but the new guy was a deer caught in the headlights. He was literally at a loss for words. It was awkward. So I guess even the Federal government is giving jobs to illegal aliens. Or perhaps this man was legal to work, but just lacks the drive to learn how to communicate in America. Either way, I know ten people who would line up for that job and our country is passing them out to dudes with no english and no social skills. Annoyed really doesn't describe my feeling for the current global events. Terrified is closer to the mark.
Also, let me take a minute to complain about my washing machine. It is an early model front loader and it has caught a disease. Every load comes out smelling like mildew even if they don't sit in there at all between finishing the wash cycle and being moved to the dryer. There is some major design flaw going on that I think is worthy of a total product recall. Now I'm noticing a new breed of laundry product that cleans the washing machine. I find it ironic that you need to spend money to clean the inside of your washing machine. Not to mention that these products don't work. Clothes go in with regular spots and wear and they come out infused with the aroma of a moldy basement. I have tried running cycles with pure bleach and still every load smells like it sat for days. What I don't understand is why we still even have the washer dryer system in this day and age. In Europe we always had one machine that did everything. We didn't have to switch wet clothes. After the wash cycle completes, it drains and then starts drying. You put dirty clothes in, you get clean dry clothes out. Why hasn't America adopted this clearly superior method? The europeans do it because they don't have the space for two machines. They don't usually even have laundry rooms. This wonder machine is usually tucked in the kitchen or bathroom. If I could get a hold of these euro machines, I would buy two and then run two loads at a time. They can't be too expensive, we had them in our missionary apartments after all.
Yes, I put a lot of emotional energy into laundry. I fantasize about having a housekeeper who does nothing but laundry and dishes. Why can't my washer and dryer be more like my dishwasher. My million dollar idea for Whirlpool or Kenmore or whoever wants all the marbles: go to Europe and take notes. This includes the fact that Europeans don't use liquid bleach that spills and ruins everything. It comes in little solid tablets that dissolve in water. It makes so much more sense.