Sunday, May 23, 2010

Shameless Reptile

We have five tortoises. For the most part we love having them. They just eat the grass and they are totally fine with being messed with by small children. They are as friendly as reptiles are capable of being. The biggest one weighs about 40 pounds, is a foot and a half in diameter and his name is El Guappo. The only problem with El Guappo is that he is, how shall I put this... lonely. I have been tempted to post an ad on craigslist to search for an attractive single female tortoise. I am not looking to own another tortoise, maybe just to arrange dates. I'm sure there is some nice female out there who would love to be swept off her shell.

In the mean time, El Guappo has put all of his romantic energy into a relationship with our soccer ball. What he does to that ball is obscene. There is something about the octagon pattern and the contrasting black and white that turns him on. If given access, he spends hours upon hours mounting it. The worst part is the grunting noise and the thick layer of slime. We recently hosted a big party at out house with about sixty guests. I heard a commotion in the back yard and discovered that the tortoise had gotten to the soccer ball and was hooking up right in front of everyone. The kids were in an uproar and were all asking what he was doing. The adults were all shocked and either disgusted or entertained or both. Nobody knew what to do about it or how to explain it to the children. A few people laughed and snapped pictures. I had to go out there and push him off of it and hide the ball. It was pretty much the highlight of the afternoon.

So if you know anyone with a girl sulcata, send them my way. He is handsome, virile and obviously not too picky.


Brianne said...

Well what do you say...interesting entertainment for a party :). Sorry to tell you but I do not have nor no anyone who has a female companion for your lonely El Guappo :) Poor soccer ball!

The Lamb's said...

Oh my goodness, you crack me up!

Kara said...

Just don't ever bring El Guapo to practice. he might have a heart attack.

Kiera said...

hahahaha! Funny funny story! Poor tortoise, you may just have to give up the soccer ball to him if you are unable to find his companion:) haha! Is that my Dylan's legs in that picture? I think Dylan was his next target after the ball was taken, he went straight for him and knocked him over, luckily we got him before anything further happened:) Great party!

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