Insomnia and the Microwave

It is three in the morning and I am wide awake. As a confirmed insomniac, I knew getting up and getting something done would be far less torturous than laying in bed wide awake mentally listing things I should get done. Blogging was the least noisy thing I could think of and the chihuahuas thought they had died and gone to heaven when they saw me coming down the stairs wrapped in a down comforter. Then I microwaved a DiGiorno Chicken Bacon Ranch Flatbread Melt and they pretty much lost their little walnut sized brains over the whole experience. Lap Dog Nirvana.

Speaking of Digiorno Chicken Bacon Ranch Flatbread Melts, they are my new food obsession. If you haven't tried one yet, I recommend that you never do because its like crack. Be smart. Don't start. I must say that one of the advantages of my mystery illness that made me drop sixty pounds inexplicably, is that I can consume insane amounts of calories at any time of day and feel like I'm doing something good for my body. I have gained 15 pounds back and been feeling much better and I'm sure that at some point I will feel compelled to curb my caloric intake but for now the microwave is my best electronic friend.

Speaking of my microwave, I just discovered many of its previously unknown talents. I was standing there waiting for my flatbread to melt and since I really had nothing else more pressing at three AM, I decided to be useful and change the little lightbulb that had burned out on the underside. I swear that bulb burns out weekly. Then I noticed that there is a feature where you can program it to turn on and off every day at a set time so I followed the annoyingly slow scrolling instructions and set the night light timer. Then I realized that you can program the scrolling instructions to scroll faster so I did that. Then I saw the help button, so what the hell... let's see what help this appliance offers. Turns out you can tell the microwave exactly what you are cooking and it will magically sense how long it needs to cook for. Genius. Queso dip? warmed to perfection. Ramen Noodle Soup? I'll never use the stovetop again. Frozen leftover lasagna? a no brainer. I almost feel guilty that I have owned this thing for four years and never even knew it's skills. It is now also set to remind me when it is time to pick the kids up from school and it promises to use it's quieter less irritating beep to do so. Years from now when Jack has children of his own and he realizes what a pain in the neck it is to leave the house at just the right moment so as to avoid the hellish elementary school traffic jam but to also avoid losing a child to heat stroke, and he thanks me for being so lovingly diligent on my carpool day, I will give full credit to the microwave development department of General Electric and then celebrate the moment of parenting success with a bag of popcorn that has no un-popped kernels but is not scorched at all.

Okay, now it is four am. I'm doing pretty good with this whole time killing thing. Feel free to quit reading at any time. I'm sure the rest of this post will be far less scintillating than my love affair with the microwave. Although before you abandon me completely, please take a moment to push the help button on your own Spacesaver 3000, because heaven knows, we could all use some help anywhere we can get it.

Speaking of help and parenting success, I have been reading every parenting book I can get my hands on lately. Like most moms I'm just figuring it out as I go along and mostly raising these children with the good old method of trial and error. Of course, just when I get something figured out, the child grows up out of that phase and then the next child is so completely different that whatever I learned the first time around is totally useless. I was recently reading a book called Nurture by Nature where it uses the Myers Briggs personality types to help you figure out how to parent each individual child based on their unique personality needs. I have always been a big fan of personality tests. If you are not familiar with it, google it. Or ask your microwave. I'm pretty sure mine completes full psychological inventories. Basically, everyone is one of 16 types. Some combination of the letters ENFP or ISTJ. When you do the test and then read your profile, its almost creepy how well they know you. Like they have been spying on you or reading your diary or interrogating your microwave (okay, I swear I will let the microwave thing go now). I am an ENFP Jack is an ISFJ. This of course makes him almost exactly opposite of me. Ham is still too young to really accurately peg but I guarantee he is much closer to me than Jack is. Its been a huge eye-opener to recognize the different needs of different members of the family. For instance, I thrive on change. If a routine develops, I go out of my way to change things up because to me consistency is boring and I instinctively dismantle structure. The problem is that ISFJs of course thrive on structure and consistency. This would also be a good time to mention that I married an ISTJ, who is my EXACT opposite. I had no idea I was going to end up with a house full of schedule loving, promise logging, variety-detesting people. When I look at the times that Jack has had a lot of melt-downs, its always a time when a lot of things are changing. Even good things. So here I am trying to be a super cool mom creating all kinds of fun new experiences and changing things up all of the time so that everyone's creativity can flow and no one has to be enslaved by repetitive monotony, and then I find out that certain people will probably stop pooping their pants and throwing tantrums in public if I just set a damn schedule and stick to it. So I have gritted my teeth and instituted some strict timelines and chore requirements and what do you know... everything is running much more smoothly. I didn't realize that when I say something like "Hey Jack, I'm going to let you stay up an extra hour tonight." or "I know I usually only let you get one thing at McDonalds but today you can have a Happy Meal!" What he is hearing is "Hey Jack, your whole world can crumble at any moment and you can't rely on any of your cherished rules, but I hope that Kid's Meal toy is worth all of our sanity!" Okay, Its not that bad, but you get the idea. I realized that I am doing him no favors by changing the rules. ever. Its just who he is. I have also realized that unless I am totally prepared to follow through on something, I can not even mention it. Statements such as "wow, the weather is cooling off. I bet we can start going to the park again soon." will inevitably result in the following harassment: "When are we going to the park? You said we were going to the park. Lets go to the park right now. Park. You promised. I want to go to the park. Its cool out, so were supposed to go to the park. When are we going to the park? We never go to the park even though you said we would go to the park. park. park. park." Then theres Abe who is like, "hey, screw the park. Lets just empty the toy box and play with the dogs and check out what the microwave can do at three AM, and by the way, that Happy Meal was the bomb." Okay, he doesn't actually use the English language to communicate all of that, but we are clearly on the same page.

It got me thinking about how life is all about picking your priorities. We can never make everyone happy all of the time and as a parent and spouse, we actually end up more satisfied when everyone else's preference gets met first. I find that most of the time my guiding parenting principle is the question "What will inflict the least amount of emotional damage?" And then I go with my gut. I figure that between that effort and a lot of time spent in prayer begging for the well being of my children, The odds are in my favor that these boys will grow up to be well adjusted adults who will eventually thank me for going against my grain and picking them up from school at exactly the same time each day.

I have read that human beings are hard-wired to blame their parents. For example, I had the happiest, most loving childhood known to human kind. My parents provided for me in every way and my mom in particular raised me with a sense of fun and faith and instilled in me a sense of self worth that is absolutely priceless. But when I think about my childhood, whats the most salient memory? I was enrolled in Weight Watchers at age 9. (Mom, if you're reading this, I SWEAR I am over it and I'm so sorry to have just posted that on the world wide web, but the good news is, you are the only one in the world who loves me enough to still be reading this post this far down, so technically, thats still just between you and me and the other fatties from 1986.)

As I mentioned earlier, Jack has had some bumps in the road with keeping his underwear skid free, much to my dismay. I have tried a number of different tactics to incentivize him in this matter. Prizes, rewards, beatings, you name it. Then the other day I noticed that it had been a while since he had been in the restroom so I urged him cheerfully to go in and do his business. The kid looked me in the eye and said, "What kind of prize am I gonna get for it?" To which I replied, "Jack, you are going to get the best prize of all. You are going to get a freaking sense of self respect and the knowledge that you are not a disgusting freak who is six years old and okay with the sensation of feces on your own ass." Yeah... Not my proudest parenting moment. Sometimes the ability to hit the nail on the head verbally is a skill I wish I didn't have. John overheard and he was unimpressed with my harshness as well. It was true but it was mean. These are the moments Jack is likely to blog about in thirty years.

My point is, I think we all do better with slightly imperfect upbringings. If we raised our kids perfectly and never had inappropriate moments, I'm not sure how prepared they would end up for real life. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway. I am so thankful for my family. it boggles my mind that I should be so blessed to even know these people. My parents, my siblings, my husband, my kids, my friends, my microwave. I am blessed.

Ham is a Big Boy, I am a Dork.

Abraham seems to be growing up so fast that it blows my mind. Yesterday he made his own popcorn. He got into the pantry, got out the packet, pushed a chair up to the microwave, put the popcorn in and pushed the button. Then when he was sick of waiting (about 50% popped) he opened the bag, poured it into a big bowl and then proclaimed to the world that he is a "Big Boy" and went around offering popcorn to everyone saying "Ham do it." He carried that bowl of popcorn around all day long. He was so proud of himself. I have to say I was pretty proud of him too. As much as I wish he wouldn't get into the pantry and climb onto countertops, I am impressed with his skills at only two years old. Obviously we have modeled the microwave popcorn process pretty regularly. He had an unfortunate attempt to make chocolate milk this week that didn't go as well as the popcorn. Chocolate syrup is a pain to clean off of floors. He's naughty but he's smart. A lot of work but a lot of fun.

Potty training is not going as well as popcorn training. In Ham's defense, potty training is so much more about training mom than training baby. I went full force and then fizzled out. This is not an unfamiliar pattern for me, but instead of beating myself up about it I remind myself that even retarded kids eventually poop on the potty, so whatever. It will happen eventually. I actually prefer changing diapers to cleaning mattresses and shampooing carpet. Actually now that I think about it, I don't mind changing diapers at all. I probably should hate it, but I don't. Maybe I'm just hanging on to the baby that is left in my Big Boy.

As I have been typing this Abe made his own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Yes, it is as big a mess as you imagine. He is at that stage where the only way to get him to do something is to either make it an interesting challenge (as in, "I'm Lets see if you can really do it!") or else totally forbid the desired behavior (as in, "You are not allowed to eat these veggies. If you eat them you are in big trouble. Whatever you do, DO NOT chew them up and swallow them!")

Speaking of growing up, Jack starts first grade next week. he is in a pleasant phase of life right now and even though I am so done with summer break, Jack and I have had a really good time bonding this summer. There is nothing like a mother-child relationship and I can't express how satisfying it is to have actual conversations with my own child and hear his original thoughts and to consider him a friend. I recently bought a used old school Super Nintendo with Super Mario Brothers at a used bookstore. I knew that my princess-saving skills would impress him to no end. I was right. Turns out all that time I wasted playing Nintendo as a kid wasn't wasted after all. I have earned the eternal respect of this six year old. He tells his friends, "My mom is so cool. She is the Master of Super Mario. Little does he know that this actually qualifies me as a dork. Who knew that Super Mario was like riding a bike? I picked it up after a twenty year break and I remember every move. I have lost the thumb calluses but I still have the touch. Awesome.

Staci's Book of Mormon Reading Program

I am compelled to write and tell anyone who will listen all about my new scripture reading program. First of all let me tell you that I have already read all of the standard works multiple times and I have a testimony that every word comes from God. With that said, I was still having a life-long struggle to consistently read the Book of Mormon every day. Its frustrating because I know I should, I know the blessings one recieves from scripture study, and I really want my children to have a mother who studies the words of God every day. Between our stops and sdtarts as a family, and my own unfinished starts, I have read 1 Nephi probably hundreds of times. We always start off good and then we hit those Isiah Chapters in 2 Nephi and we stall out. I am one of those people who loves taking on a big project, but the details of followup and finishing? not so much. I always feel so guilty about being such a scripture flake. So in an effort to actually solve my little problem and therefore reap the blessings that I know await me if I can just be a little more diligent I decided to make a couple of admissions. The first one you will probably relate to, and the second one you will probably be offended by, even though I know you will relate to me on this one as well. First, I need stimulating things to read in order for me to pay attention long enough to get it. I have a small case of scripture study ADD. My mind wanders and I can never keep track of which Nephi is which or who begat who. Instead of beating myself up about this, I'm going to EMBRACE it. Second, Its time for me to admit that the Book of Mormon is mostly boring. really boring. And in this day and age it has to compete with reality TV, the Internet and even Conference Talks. I would rather listen to Jeffery R Holland tell it in his powerful way all day long than wade through the allegory of the Olive Tree. I'd rather see who got kicked off American Idol than hear about horrible violent wars. I know, its offensive. My point is I've decided to EMBRACE the fact that the Book of Mormon is mostly boring too. Between these two epiphanies, I came up with a new study program that has literally changed my life. It has taken me from reading occassionally and then feeling bad about it to devouring the scriptures everyday and having a guaranteed daily spiritual experience. I call my program "Only Read the Awesome Chapters" I know, the name needs work, but I'm telling you it changed my spiritual life. The book of Mormon is about 70% boring but the other 30% is AMAZING! Find the amazing chapters and skip the rest and vow to not feel bad about the stuff you skip. Ether 12, Alma 32, Moroni 7, Mosiah 4, Read about Enos' amazing repentance. Read about how justice and mercy work together in Alma 42, read about the brother of Jared seeing the finger of the Lord, Read King Benjamin's address. Read Lehi's dream. Read the Sermons, Read when the Prophets bust out the hard core teaching moments. When you get to thinking about it, there are enough awesome chapters to keep you super engaged for months and months. Ask around. See which chapters other people consider awesome and then read that. re-read your favorites out of order. There is so much great stuff in there that I'm almost embarassed that I didn't come up with this sooner. I have been wasting my precious scripture study time with boring stuff when the good stuff is just waiting to be read. Now I look forward to reading and I carry it around in my purse to grab extra study moments here and there. I had to admit that I wasn't enjoying my scriptures before I could deal with it and get a program that made me enjoy it. Now I crave the scriptures. If it starts to get boring, I just stop what I'm reading and go find an awesome chapter. Its never hard to find. My scripture ADD is cured by embracing it and working within it.

I recommend this method to everyone except for those people who claim to love Isaiah (by the way, we all know you are lying so you can drop the act.) If you are feeling like every day is a personal spiritual feast, you don't need my program, keep doing whatever you're doing. Maybe one day I will be like that. Until then, I'll be reading the Awesome Chapters and skipping the rest.

POP goes the Hambone

Abraham is two and he is in a tough spot as far as communicating with the world. He is just on the verge of speaking English but still relies mostly on a system of hand gestures, English inspired noises, and emotional displays. I spend the most time with him and therefore understand most of what he is trying to say. We have been working on sign language too and he loves that. I think he is right on the cusp of a huge language explosion and for the sake of everyone's sanity I can't wait till he can just say exactly what he wants to say whenever he wants to say it (I need a volunteer to read this blog entry back to me when he is a sassy four year old and I want him to shut up)

What has struck me as I have watched Abe's vocabulary blossom is how many words there are that have multiple uses. I already blogged about the utility of "nudder un" (another one) but there are a whole list of words like this.

At the moment he uses the word "pop" in almost every sentence. First of all, his Grandpas are both Pop-pop. Plus he has the Otter pop addiction so he's always pointing to the freezer and saying "pop". If he is pointing to the pantry and demanding "pop" then he wants either a Pop-Tart or pop corn. Also on his list of favorites are pop-sicles, lolly-pops and soda pop. All of which he asks for by looking me in the eye and earnestly saying "POP".

I give him balloons if he uses the toilet. He begs for another balloon and when I tell him I just gave him one two minutes ago and ask where that one is he puts his hands up in exasperation and says "pop." His favorite song is "Popcorn Popping" and he loves singing "Pop Goes the Weasel".

There are other dualities going on. If he says "Go-go" I'm not sure if he is asking to go for a trip or requesting an episode of Go Diego. When he says "Ba Ba" Is he asking for a bottle or asking for Bob Bob (Spongebob Squarepants)? The list goes on and on

This kid is so much fun and so much work! The terrible twos are well underway and I want him to grow up, but I already miss my baby.

John's New Girlfriend

There is one gun that John has fantasized about since before I have known him. Its a Steyr AUG. He bought an off brand model last year but that just didn't totally do it for him. This week he got a real brand new Steyr AUG. Check out the smile on his face. Its true love.
Awww...don't they make a cute couple!

Summertime Playdates

Summer is here and these kids are officially bored and cooped up. I have been busily making plans and playdates to fill the hot days. We went to Peter Piper Pizza this week, made freezer jam at the Sly's, went swimming at Grandma's house, played one million hours of X box and learned to ride a bike without training wheels. Abraham has developed an unhealthy obsession of Otter Pops that I only realized was truly out of control when I saw that his poop has become otter pop colored. Sir Isaac Lime and Louis Blue Raspberry seem to go through his system totally undigested. Also those empty Otter Pop wrappers are EVERYWHERE. At first it seems cool that they sell them in packs of 100, but now I wonder what they were thinking. My carpet will never be quite the same. Also, I have a bone to pick with the geniuses that put the following on the otterpop box: "100% Fruit Juice!" and then underneath in small print it says "From Concentrate With Added Ingredients" I'm no mathmetician but if there are added ingredients then the percentage of fruit juice is obviously less than 100. So it is 100 percent juice except for all of those other things, which if you read the ingredient list, totals two percent. I think they get away with this because no one cares about otter pop regulation enough to sue them, but I personally find it offensive. Do they really think we are dumb enough to believe this lie? I don't know why I get so fired up about a contradictory statement on my box of frozen juice bars, but I think there should be a class action law suit or something.

We had a little girl named Alexis over for a playdate this week. She was in Jack's kindergarten class this year and we ran into her and her family at Paradise bakery so we exchanged phone numbers. Shortly after this exchange Jack got a little bit obsessed with the idea of having Alexis over. It became obvious that he has a little crush on her. He kept telling me about how she's the nicest girl in school and she's the smartest and she never gets in trouble ever. This is high praise from Jack. He has good taste too. She is adorable with long blonde hair and an impeccable wardrobe. When she came over she carried a little silk purse and had a voice like she had been sucking helium. SOOO feminine. Jack counted the days until she came. Before she arrived he made some preparations. He got out stuff to draw and color with and pulled out the Spongebob Operation boardgame. When she was finally here they had the most hilarious conversation.

Jack: I got lots of stuff we can do. You get to pick whatever you want.

Alexis: I don't know.

Jack: I usually play with boys and boys like playing army but you're a girl so I put away all of the army stuff. We can do whatever you want.

Alexis: Uhh... I don't know.

Jack:We can do whatever girl stuff you want. Like you can put on makeup and paint your nails, or you can watch girly TV shows or you can play dolls. Its totally up to you.

Alexis: Well, I like to play on the monkey bars and swingset.

Jack: Okay, lets go out back and you can pretend to be a princess while you swing.

I think he was a little surprised to find that girly girls can hold their own on a jungle gym. It was very good to see him on his best behavior for a girl.

Jack has been playing a lot with Isaac Sly. His mom Kara is one of my best friends so its super convenient that Isaac and Jack get along so well. Isaac is a really nice kid and I don't ever have to worry that he will teach Jack bad things or get into trouble when they are together. Those two can play for days and days on end and never get bored or irritated. They also had a funny conversation yesterday.

Isaac: What does your dad do for a living?

Jack: He's a police officer

Isaac: Cool! He gets to shoot people!

Jack: Well, not really. Mostly he makes phone calls and writes reports and stuff.

Isaac: So he's like, "Stop, badguy! or I'll..... call you? Stop, or I'll use my ....pen?"

Thats pretty quick sarcastic wit for a first grader. I like him.

I already can't wait for summer to be over with. I wish we had a pool or something so that there was anything to do outside. For now we are just hunkering down in the air conditioned house and waiting for fall.John has summer especially bad. Directing traffic for eight hours in direct sunlight when its over 105 degrees while wearing head to toe black and twenty pounds of gear and a bullet proof vest is not my idea of a good time.

Clones

I was going through some pictures of the boys today and I came across these two shots of Jack and Abe at two years old. I know they look alike but to see pictures taken at the same age is absolutely mind boggling. I basically gave birth to identical twins four years apart.