colorectal fun

I have dropped off of the edge of the blogging world lately because I really don't know what to post. I feel like my health problems have become the center of my universe. I don't want to go on and on about it because I worry that dwelling on it makes it worse but if I blog about my life and don't include the health drama it feels fake so I have just refrained from writing at all lately.

Today I couldn't resist because I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow and I'm obsessing over it. From what I hear, the preparation is worse than the procedure and I am hoping that's true. I asked the doctor to put me so far unconscious that I would remember nothing and he agreed. First of all I'm not a fan of anybody looking at my bum but especially not a staff of people. I had a colorectal exam last week and let me tell you, its embarassing. I know its probably immature and silly to be embarassed about it, but what can I say, I am immature and silly.

I was sitting in the exam room with my paper skirt on waiting for the doctor to come in and I was thinking "This is the only time in my life that I am praying for an old ugly weird dude for a doctor. If this guy is even remotely young or attractive, I am out of here." Plus I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had no idea how a rectal exam is performed. I wonder if this is karma paying me back for giggling about this kind of thing my whole life. You win, karma, I will never laugh about it again.

The anxiety before hand was much worse than the actual exam. When the doctor came in we chatted about my symptoms for a minute (he was fantastically old and unattractive, by the way, which was a huge relief) and then right before he did the exam his assistant entered the room. I wasn't expecting this but I wasn't surprised either because I have been to the gynocologist enough times to know the drill. They make sure someone else is in the room so that you can't accuse them of inappropriate behavior later or whatever. I was thinking "I get it. I will sign a waiver. I will forgo my legal rights, lets just keep this between as few people as possible." You might be thinking, like I was, that this extra person would just sit quietly in the corner of the room with her attention respectfully averted while the exam was going on just like they do at the gyno, but that wasn't the case. No, my friends, she holds the flashlight. Are you feeling my pain yet? It only lasted like 20 seconds but still, I was not expecting a rectal exam to be a public affair. In fairness, they were so professional and as un-humiliating as humanly possible but I was still pretty mortified and I am so glad its over. At least for the colonoscopy tomorrow I will be drugged up and totally out of it before anyone whips out their flashlight and rubber gloves.

So I'm starving. I can't eat anything except for clear liquids for a day and a half and I feel like I'm going to kill someone for a bite of food. Of course I still have to go about the business of feeding my children so its not like I can just avoid the issue all day. I have to handle food and smell food and prepare food, but just drink my chicken broth. Also, don't let me forget to mention the medicine that I am taking that clears out my intestines. I'll spare you the details of this colon cleanse but I'm sure you get the idea. Its been a long day.